A three-part, real life journey about coming of age and coming out 

by R Ishi

Hello there young me,

We’ve just had World Aids Day on 1st December. Much had happened since Aids/HIV made its appearance. Currently, there is still no cure for Aids/HIV, but doctors have developed a drug called PrEP, which is effective in reducing HIV infections for the sexually active. However, do remember to still practice safe sex. Fortunately, you went through the whole turbulent period unscathed. 

With that in mind, I guess I have to tell you who your first kiss was from. It’s your male cousin, Alan! It started-off as curiosity but escalated rather quickly.  Alan would come over whenever mum and dad were away. Sometimes you’d go over to his place too. He was about 3 years older than you. 

Before telling you more about your future boyfriends or relationships, let me first start on my decision – on “coming out”.

You will come out multiple times; to the family, friends and at work too. It’s never-ending as most of the time you need to gauge peoples’ reactions to it, as not everyone would be accepting.  Your first ever coming out happened at work. You had a cushy position at a 5-star American brand hotel. One evening, as you were leaving the hotel after working hours, through one of the unofficial hotel exits, a security guy decided to call you out loud, “Hei! You faggard!”. You ignored his name-calling and just continued walking. However, he shouted again with the same words, you just turned to look at him and continued walking.

Couple of hours later, you were still affected by that incident. Human Resource has a red mailbox for staff – for those who wish to confidentially report any unhappiness they encounter at work, and HR would assist to seek a solution to it – I decided to write in.

The first inquiry was, “is there a restriction or company policy against any gay employee?” Then, continued with the incident by the security officer. No names were mentioned. I confessed I am gay, and I did not appreciate another colleague to start name calling me within the hotel property, or a public space. To top it all up, he was in uniform!

Along the way, you will meet and make some unexpected good friends. Right before National Service, I met a Brother from St Francis of Assisi. Hang on, this is not a story of a closeted gay priest. We discussed lots on general matters and religion – Christianity and Islam. At that time, I was doing Islamic Religious Knowledge and he came in at a heavenly time. (pun intended!). I did Christianity Studies too but didn’t take the exams. At that time, there was an interest in French, picked up a bit from him. He speaks French and English. But gave up because I can’t wring my head on the “tu” and “Vous”. 

Coming out to family was quite a breeze too. One day, during the yearly festivity period of Eid, you decided to tell one of your cousins that you are gay. It was at the period when there was a lot of news on the Repeal of the 377A law.  (I somehow feel that telling the cousin would mean the news will be spread to the rest of the family and close relatives. Which it did! To me, I don’t care who knows about it. I would be open to discuss it if any relatives would like to know more).  You would be glad to know that your close cousins are not bothered by it and are very welcoming. Cousin Rose, actually said she had always known, but just did not know how to broach the subject. Well, that is good news. Overall, I do not know if the whole extended family is aware. Within the family, there are also a few closeted cases that I know of. Funny thing, your Aunty Bee is still in denial that you are gay, even though she has met and know of my boyfriend(s). The conversation would always start as, “Rishi, I know this girl. She’s very quiet and shy too. A good girl. Stays nearby….. etc etc etc”. If her daughter is around, I’ll look at her, roll-up my eyes and tell her – “there, your mom is starting again!” and we will both burst out laughing.  I don’t resent Aunty Bee, it’s so sweet that she still cares about me despite being a full-blown adult. 

What I seek in a relationship?

Someone understanding – someone who doesn’t play games. Truthful and caring. Someone who wants to be committed to a long-term relationship. To have a partner who is out of the closet or still in, that depends on that individual. If the person is still in the closet but has accepted and is comfortable with his sexuality, why not? But you know how Asian parents are with family pressure and the concept of maintaining a family unit?

Though not politically correct, you have a racial preference – you’ll find out along the way; or have you already?

Then comes the question “to love, or be loved”? Hmm…..it is nice to be loved and wooed but sometimes it just doesn’t happen that way. In all your cases, you are always the wooer; pursuer. Currently fitting the “Daddy” look. I found some are just with me for companionship or the status of “having a boyfriend”. I had two of those. 

First, was an Indonesian guy. He was a student here in Singapore. At that time I partied a lot. Got to know him at a club. We were together for about two and a half years. He became my clubbing mate at Zouk. He had a regular group of Indonesian friends there too. Unfortunately, he had to return to Indonesia. We did the long-distance relationship. A year later, I just casually asked his best friend if I were to meet someone, would that be bad? Her response was, if you meet someone else, just go ahead! I was shocked, this coming from his best friend. I then approached the subject to him and he admitted that him being with me wasn’t for love, it was just for the companionship of a boyfriend. 

Enough to say, the second guy got angry that I would be sleeping at his place when I wasn’t feeling too well because I’ll be sweating on the bed. I told him I will clean up the bed and what do you know, I ran as fast as I could after that!

Well, you are with an Indian guy now, been together for four years, with a big age gap. To be honest, I lied to him about my age when we first met. (Gays are very ageist. Above 35 years is considered over the hill, mind you!) Thankfully, he accepted me. He’s a great cook, with a passion for cooking and baking. Hoping he would enroll himself in culinary school soon. I would gladly support his passion. We’ve done lots of food-tastings and in that process, growing sideways. (LOL!) Well, I am happy that he is happy. 

Another wish is, he would open up more and for us to live together. I can sincerely hope, however, I do have to understand he is closeted and not out to the family. I am only known as the “Malay Boy” to his Amma and Appa. Well, I do hope he feels comfortable with me and do love and care for me, as I do to him. 

Well, I shall not share all the relationship details. It’s something that you must experience yourself and decide on what is good to keep the relationship going. Never compare or judge the relationship with another or others. Each has its own merits. What may work with others, might not work with you. As you have always been doing in life, go with the flow. 

Though outwardly you always say, fewer expectations fewer disappointments, but deep down in your heart, you do know what is expected in each relationship. Always view the world with a positive outlook, speak your heart with confidence (you are a tad too confident sometimes which can easily be misunderstood as arrogance). Listen to others as well as your inner voice and you will be on the correct path of which direction to take.

A brand-new year is coming. Hoping is all for the better, we’ve had a rather crappy 2020.

Ok, be good. Stay healthy. Stay young always!